There Will Be Tears

I didn’t cry when my kids were born.  I didn’t cry when my kids started their first day of school.  I didn’t cry when the oldest three graduated from high school.  I didn’t cry when my oldest daughter got married.

I’m just not a crier.  That doesn’t mean I have never cried over emotional events.  I cried when my second oldest drove off in Big Blue, our old Chrysler minivan, to move to California.  I cried when my dad died.  I cry over stupid commercials.  Remember the McDonald’s commercial with the little girls in the yellow raincoats?  Got me every time.

I remember standing at the bus stop for my kids first days of school each year watching the other moms boo hoo.  I have watched moms boo hoo over their kids milestones and even wondered, a little, what is wrong with me?  Do I not know when to cry?

I mean, this is the goal, isn’t it?  To raise your children to be able to go out on their own and manage their own lives.  Their own health care.  Their own bills.  Their own schedules.  Their own laundry.   Oh, the laundry.

I remember the long days of nursing babies and sleepless nights like they were yesterday.  I remember thinking, I will never get kids off the breast, out of diapers, and into school.  But, it happened.

I remember thinking as I spent years with kids in preschool, elementary school, middle school, high school, and college, that I would never get to the day where I wasn’t managing multiple school schedules.  But, it is happening.

I remember thinking that I will never get done buying diapers, paying for child care, paying off orthodontic bills, and paying for the myriad extracurricular activities that comes with raising kids.  But, we are there.

We will have three kids in college next year, but that is different.  My kids are very independent and ready to be out on their own.  And that’s a good thing.  It is my experience that we will be much less involved in the day-to-day once they leave home.  Out of sight, out of mind.

But, I have to admit that I am experiencing bouts of unexplained crying lately.  I watched a senior picture video of my friend’s daughter and starting boo hooing.  It has been downhill ever since.  My Baby, the Runner, is disgusted with me because I cried for her friend, and I haven’t cried for her.

Frankly, after 15 straight years of having kids in high school, I am REALLY ready to be done with it.  And move onto the next phase in our lives.  But, it is a great unknown.

This is a major transition for us.  When our babies go away to school in August, my husband and I will be alone, together, for the first time in our married lives.

So, I have been shedding tears.  Tears of joy.  Tears of sadness.  Tears for unknown reasons.  In the privacy of my little room where I write.  Where people can’t see me and don’t know about it.

Like my friend and my husband have been telling me, I am not as tough as I make myself out to be.

And now everyone knows about it.  I am a crier.  But, I think and I hope that I am crying for all the right reasons.

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