Embracing Endorphins

I’m trying to embrace my endorphins.  I really am.  But no matter how much I try, I just do not get any kind of joy, hormonal or otherwise, out of exercising.  I just don’t get it.

I’m probably just a freak of nature.  I never got the whole instant bonding thing when my babies were born either.

When my oldest daughter was born, they ended up doing an emergency C-section and missed on the anesthesia so that I felt it when they started cutting.  I don’t remember much after that other than waking to a raging headache.  They brought my baby in to see me and laid her down next to my face.  She was screaming her dear sweet lungs out.  I asked them to take her away.  And proceeded to get sick.

My second oldest came to live with us when she was 13.  We bonded in a more non-traditional manner.

My middle child was screaming before she was even fully delivered.  She was born the “regular” way, and her head was hanging out for a full minute before the rest of her body was delivered.  Seriously, it was surreal to hear her screaming while she was still partially inside of me.  She continued to scream while they wiped her down, wrapped her up, and handed her off to my husband.  As soon as he spoke to her, she instantaneously stopped screaming and gazed lovingly into his eyes.  Everyone in the room turned to look, it was such a dramatic moment.  A classic case of imprinting.  She has been his mini-me ever since, and he was usually the only one who could calm her.  He would leave the house, and she would stand at the door crying.  I was chopped liver.

My twins would be delivered by C-section.  Juggling two little baby bodies takes awhile to learn.  Especially the breast feeding part.  I was committed to nursing them simultaneously, but they nursed at different rates – one fast and one slow.  It was just too weird for me to nurse them together so I did them separately.  It took twice as long to feed them and often I just went back and forth for hours.  Actually, it felt like it would never end.

I think I was so exhausted that I couldn’t digest the whole bonding thing with them.  In fact, one of my twins never even opened her eyes.  It’s kind of hard to bond when your partner won’t look at you.  It was a few weeks before we figured out that she had an eye problem and couldn’t really focus or see well.

But, my other twin.  The one who loved to nurse.  The one who nursed for hours.  The one who would still be nursing if I hadn’t weaned her.  She would stare at me the entire time with her eyes WIDE open.  Her beautiful, big, doe eyes.  Finally, I had a sense of what it was like to “bond” in that way with one of my kids.

Well, one out of five isn’t bad, is it?  That’s 20%.  I’m only an 80% failure at bonding.

Maybe there’s still hope for me on the endorphin front.  Maybe if I keep at it, I’ll finally get it.  I just know one thing for sure.  I am not going to get it at 4:30 in the morning.  Sorry, honey.  I need my sleep, too.

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