Letting Go and Moving On

The last few years have been a time of great change in our home. All five of our children are now grown and flown. In May our babies, our twins, graduated from college and this past summer, the last one of them moved out, and we officially became empty nesters.

We had to learn to let go and move on. Let go of the child rearing years, and move on to a new chapter in our lives.

In 2012, my brother-in-law, with whom I was close, was diagnosed with Stage IV colorectal cancer and died a little more than two years ago after going through about 18 months of radiation, chemotherapy, and hospice care.

We had to let him go, and we had to move on without him in our lives.

A little more than a year ago, my husband and his siblings had to make some tough decisions with regard to their mother, my mother-in-law, after she suffered a fall and emergency room visit that ended up changing her life in several major ways. She is such a strong woman who has persevered even though she was a young widow and dealt with some pretty significant family challenges.

My mother-in-law had to let go of her former life and move onto a new life. My husband had to learn to let go of being parented by his mother and move onto taking care of her.

Hummingbird on feeder Eugene 12_6_2013

Many of my friends are dealing with aging parents. Some are healthy and active, and I rejoice in that. Many of my friends have mothers and fathers who are getting sick or passing away, some unexpectedly, and my heart aches for them as they reminisce about how important these people were to them. I love seeing the pictures of my friends with their parents and hearing and reading the stories about them.

Everyone is in a constant state of letting go and moving on when it comes to issues with our own and our parents aging.

All of this comes to the forefront of my emotions as we enter the winter holiday season. A season that is filled with family and memories.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year according to the Andy Williams song.

Letting go and moving on is never more apparent than when we celebrate family milestones and holidays.

When you come from a dysfunctional family, the holiday season is often when familial issues rear their ugly heads and people with whom we’ve had limited or no contact all of a sudden re-appear. And usually not in happy, filled with good tidings, types of ways.

Rose Kennedy quote

My parents separated over 45 years ago, and have been divorced for over 43 years. Their separation and divorce was and remains acrimonious in spite of the years and the fact that my father died in 2008. Both of my parents abandoned their parenting roles when they divorced leaving 8 children ranging in age from 4 to 13 (I was the oldest) to fend for themselves.

I and two of my siblings attempted to fill the parenting gap while my parents used their children, emotional blackmail, and money against each other. We were often forced or expected to pick sides. My father would pro-rate deductions in child support for any time he spent with his children. We would often have no food or need clothes or have disconnected utilities, but my mother never ran out of cigarettes or booze. The tactics they used did not hurt them as much as they hurt us. We had to tend to our younger siblings when we were so young ourselves. We used our babysitting money and then money from our jobs to help put food on the table, buy clothes, and pay the electric, gas, or phone bills. My sister, as a newlywed, saved the family home from foreclosure – more than once.

anchor and drowning

My relationship with my parents since their divorce has been difficult. When my father got sick and died in 2008, I had spent two years, along with my siblings, taking care of him after a period of 7 years where we had a limited relationship with him due to his alcoholism and bad behavior. The limited relationship was the consequence of the intervention with him that did not go well. During his two-year journey to death, we did the right thing by him even though he fought us every step of the way. Going through the process with him, though, brought me closure in my relationship with him. I am proud of myself for being a good daughter. I am thankful that I was there for him when he died and worked through all of the estate stuff fairly and with very little drama.

My relationship with my mother has been even more complicated. I spent many, many sleepless nights worrying about this. While I had closure with my father and rarely thought about him, I thought about my mother every single day. In most cultures, mother / daughter relationships are special, and I desperately wanted one.

The preferred method of punishing family members on my mom’s side of the family has always been cutting off behavior. My mother learned this lesson well and chose to cut off from some of us multiple times during our lives. She missed the significant milestones of some of her adult children and the births and special events of some of her grandchildren.

My mother has never accepted responsibility for her actions and bad decisions, but rather always chooses anger and blame. I believe this is her way to assuage the guilt. If you aren’t in her good graces, you are “just like your father.” Those in my mother’s good graces must tow the line with her thinking or risk losing her maternal love which is the only power she has to offer. I totally get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. Everyone wants to be loved by their mother. It’s up to the individual if the price is too high or not.

Cutting off behavior has extended to me and my siblings and even to our children. One of my siblings left the family in the 80s and remains steadfastly alienated from everyone else. The remainder of us use various justifications to cut off from each other.

When we get to the holidays each year someone, inevitably, opens the wounds and words and emails and text messages fly back and forth. The result is more hurt feelings and more cutting off behavior – because that is the weapon that is used in our family.

Spring Break 03 29 2012 (30)

As we go through life, certain events trigger one to remember and think about the past.

That is what happened to me about two years ago. I had reached a stage in my life where I started spending a lot of time thinking about my own mortality, my parents and extended family, and my husband and children.

Two years ago, my mother and I exchanged letters. It did not go well. It was a futile and ill advised attempt on my part to try and repair the relationship with my mother.

For the first time in my life, I went to see a therapist. She provided me with a lot of validation regarding my choices and path in life. She also gave me permission to establish boundaries from the dysfunctional members of my family. Boundaries are different than cutting off. I knew this was the correct path, logically, but, emotionally, I was struggling. It just went against a lot of what I believed and tried to accomplish. It also went against a lot of what people say and write about family – that is, that you should love them no matter what. Move on. It’s in the past. Forgive and forget. Well intentioned, but clearly not good advice for everyone or all circumstances.


It was a goal of mine to bring about family change with my siblings, but I realized, through therapy, that that is never going to happen.

Rather than think about what I didn’t have, I started thinking in terms of what I did have. A loving husband. Five wonderful in every way daughters. Great friends. Family members who stand by me and my family through thick and thin and not just when they need or want something.

Therapy also taught me that I do not have these blessings in my life because of luck. I have them because I have worked hard for them and because I am a good person.

Our 5 Girls Thanksgiving 2011

My parents taught us that you build yourself up by tearing each other down. My mother and her family left us the legacy that you cut off from someone as a way to punish them. Many in my extended family have learned these lessons well. I am filled with great sadness that the relationships in my extended family are this way.

I’m glad I finally received validation from a therapist who was an independent third-party. It was also surprising and somewhat disturbing to know that these types of family situations are fairly common. That others share this pain and sorrow is almost unimaginable to me. I think we need to share more of these experiences with each other rather than think we are alone or hide them from others. We are not responsible for other people’s behavior even if we are related to them.

I am proud of the fact that my husband and I have broken the cycle of cutting off behavior – at least with our family and going forward.

In a way I’m sorry I didn’t seek professional help sooner, but I also believe that you have to do it in your own time. I didn’t need a lot of sessions or special treatments. I was already almost all the way there on my own and, thankfully, just needed the extra push to take the last, hard steps in self-care. Self-care. A hard concept for a woman. That being said, I would highly recommend therapy to anyone who thinks they might need it. The validation is enormously helpful.

The good news. I no longer worry about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my extended family. I no longer lose sleep over my mommy issues.

The biggest reward. I’m a much happier and better person, wife, mother, and friend. My circle may be smaller, but it’s solid and complete.

The last two years, it’s become easier to ignore those calls and emails and text messages. I no longer need to engage. It actually feels empowering to exert this control over my life.

March 2014

Bottom line is that I no longer let the holidays or our culture or societal norms bully me into being hurt and damaged.

How did I do that?

I let go and moved on.

Posted in Faith & Family | 6 Comments

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme

In 1966, Simon and Garfunkel published an album titled Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme.

Every spring, when I work on my herb garden this song goes through my head. (Listen to it here). It’s a beautiful song that was a traditional English ballad from the middle ages. The lyrics include two parts, sung simultaneously, one part being a love ballad and the other part (in the parentheses) is about war.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

Garden_04_29_2015 (36)

In Medieval times, parsley represented comfort.

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
   (On the side of a hill in the deep forest green)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
   (Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground)
Without no seams nor needlework
   (Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain)
Then she’ll be a true love of mine
   (Sleeps unaware of the clarion call)

Garden_04_29_2015 (29)

In Medieval times, sage represented strength.

Tell her to find me an acre of land
   (On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
   (Washes the ground with so many tears)
Between the salt water and the sea strand
   (A soldier cleans and polishes a gun)
Then she’ll be a true love of mine

Garden_04_29_2015 (33)

In Medieval times, rosemary represented love.

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather
   (War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
   (Generals order their soldiers to kill)
And to gather it all in a bunch of heather
   (And to fight for a cause they’ve long ago forgotten)
Then she’ll be a true love of mine

Garden_04_29_2015 (31)

In Medieval times, thyme represented courage.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

I have always had these four herbs in my garden, and I use them frequently in my cooking and baking. But I grow many more each year – adding some and taking some away, too. Fennel and cilantro make sporadic appearances.

Garden 2015

This year I have many old favorites most of which wintered over in my garden – tarragon, oregano, marjoram, garlic (my first year for garlic which was planted last November and should be ready to harvest in July), basil, English lavender, chives, spearmint (a variety specifically for Mojitos), and dill.

My herb garden is my favorite, but I will also grow some heirloom tomatoes and jalapeno peppers. I planted some blackberry bushes this year and have been working on adding perennials and annuals to my various planting beds. We are starting our third summer in this home, and I finally have all of the beds organized enough to start adding new plantings to them.

Baby Tomato Plants 04_2015

I grew Pink Lady and Green Zebra heirloom tomatoes from seeds saved last fall.

I am growing four types of tomatoes this year – Pink Lady, Green Zebra, Mortgage Lifter, and Amish Paste Roma. I am using a new technique that includes planting a five-gallon bucket with holes drilled into it into the ground, placing the plants around the bucket and surrounding with chicken wire. The goal is for the bucket to self-water the plants when we are away, to provide a frame for the growing plants, and to attempt to keep the rabbits from eating the produce. We’ll see how it works.

Garden_04_29_2015 (8)

Last year I also made up mosquito pots – the idea is to use certain plants to keep the pests away. I’m not sure how well this really worked, mosquitoes don’t really bother me, but they bother my DSH a lot. I guess he’s just sweeter than me. What does bother me is the smell and use of chemical insecticides. They make me nauseous and give me headaches so I thought using plants to try to ward off the offensive critters was worth a try. The pot contains lemon grass, lemon thyme, catnip, and yellow marigolds. If nothing else, it’s really pretty when the plants fill the pot.

Garden_04_29_2015 (42)

More on my flowers and other plants later!

Working in the garden gives me comfort. I feel strong after spending time dragging pots and plants around, digging holes, and planting herbs and flowers and bulbs and bushes. I love working outdoors. I feel courageous trying new things in the garden each year.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme.

What are you growing in your gardens this year?

Posted in Food & Home | 2 Comments

Movie – American Sniper and Readin’ – American Sniper

I love to watch movies.

I love to read.

This past year I made it a point to see every movie that was nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. Here is the complete list of movies that were included in that category:

American Sniper
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything

They were all good movies, and I enjoyed them for different reasons. The only movie on this list that I felt shouldn’t have been there was American Sniper. This was a big budget film with a high-powered director, Clint Eastwood. I like Clint Eastwood as a director more than I like him as an actor. I love the way Bradley Cooper portrayed Chris Kyle.

American Sniper movie

What I didn’t like and thought should have removed this movie from contention was the use of an animatronics baby in two scenes. The fake baby was obvious and creepy and, artistically, a big fail. I know that having a real, live baby in a film is a hassle and, according to reports, there were two lined up for these scenes. One was sick and the other was a no-show. So, rather than delay the filming of the scenes, Eastwood decided to use the fake baby. For me, that was a big mistake in a big budget film.

So my objection to its nomination was in no way based on all of the controversy surrounding the film. It was simply an artistic issue. American Sniper was nominated in other categories including Best Actor for Bradley Cooper, who I think did an outstanding job in this role, and the film won for Sound Editing. I had no problem with its other nominations and its one win.

When I commented about this film on Facebook, I was surprised at the responses. Again, my opinion is based on the artistic merits not the subject matter. It seems if you object to anything related to our military all of a sudden you are anti-veteran or anti-American.

I did not consider the controversy over Chris Kyle, his book and the lawsuit, or questions about his truthfulness in telling his stories in my assessment of the movie (for more on the defamation and unjust enrichment lawsuit which Kyle lost read this).

I liked the movie American Sniper. I just didn’t feel it was deserving of a Best Picture nomination at the Oscars.

I also read a review about the movie that said it followed Chris Kyle’s book closely. I decided to read the book, so that I could provide a more thorough review. Unfortunately, I was 439 on the reserve list at the library, and I just received and finished the book this past week.

American Sniper book cover

After reading the book, I feel that the screenwriter, director, and actors did a really good job portraying the lives of Chris Kyle, his wife, and others as written. Taya Kyle, Chris’ wife, included an excerpt at the end of the book edition I read that confirmed that she felt that they had done so, too. There were a few liberties with details in the movie that differed from the book, but they did not take away from the overall accurate depiction of Kyle and his life.

I rated the book 2 out of 5 stars on Goodreads. Its average rating is 3.98 out of 5 so my rating is below the average. I did not give it this rating because it was poorly written. I gave it a reduced rating because of the actual story.

What did I like about the book? I enjoyed learning about the training and the weaponry and am amazed at how resourceful soldiers can be when they have a goal but are faced with bureaucracy and other obstacles and challenges.

What did I not like about the book? I did get tired of what I considered to be braggadocio. The actual facts of the excursions and experiences I understood and accepted, but Kyle’s role in some of them sometimes seemed . . . exaggerated. This is apparently why many people who I know in the military are not interested in seeing the movie or reading the book. What I’ve heard from many of them is that he spent too much time glorifying his personal experience. One of my relatives, who served two tours in Iraq and two more in the region, felt that his comments about the Iraqi people crossed the line of decency.

As one reviewer on Goodreads stated, the promotion of recreational violence, hazing, and the depictions of officers having no control over subordinates depicts a military that is in decline. It seems that Kyle believed that being a SEAL gave him and his military brothers special permission to participate in excessive drinking and violence outside of actual military expeditions. He boasted about his multiple arrests and getting off without being charged. He practically bragged about missing his daughter’s birthday party because he was in jail for a barroom fight in Tennessee while at training.

Perhaps that is what being trained to be an elite member of the military is all about. Perhaps that is what the military needs for special missions. The fact that Kyle is idolized for his 160 confirmed kills more than his actual skills speaks volumes, to me, about the love of guns and violence in our culture.

There is no doubt in my mind that Chris Kyle was devoted to his military career and approached it with a great deal of respect and hard work. He might have been the right man for the job he had to do in Iraq.

I read and felt that the movie, American Sniper, was a depiction of one man’s experience based on his life, personality, and temperament. Others in the military have other experiences based on their lives, personalities, and temperaments. One is not better or worse than others, necessarily. They are just different.

I know veterans and members of the military who are truly silent warrior types. Kyle claimed to be one because many of his missions were secret and he was a SEAL, but he spent a lot of time in the book being a lot less than silent. He demanded respect for himself and his opinions, but held those with differing ones with outright hostility.

Was Chris Kyle a hero? Going to war and facing the enemy with little fear and a lot of bravery probably qualifies him as one for most people.

Was Chris Kyle a deeply flawed man? Yes, by his own admission. He was confident to the point of arrogance about his role and job in the military. He neglected his family for love of the military and his country. At least he was honest about it.

Do I recommend the movie and book? Yes on the movie and no on the book. Artistically, the movie was flawed, but Bradley Cooper did a great job, and it is enlightening to see the experience through Kyle’s eyes. I didn’t need to read the book after seeing the movie, and, in any case, the movie was better than the book.

Who is the true hero of American Sniper?

In my opinion, Taya Kyle, Chris’ wife, is the true hero. Taya provided a lot of text in the book, but does not even get mentioned or credited as a co-author. Taya Kyle, the woman who loved this man in spite of him placing her and their children last on his priority list for most of their married life. Taya said it best when she realized that his true family were his fellow SEALs and military team. Her excerpts provided the best insight into the true sacrifices faced by military families, and I’m glad they were included in the movie. I’m also happy that Chris finally connected with her and his kids in a positive way the year before his untimely death.

Chris Kyle and a companion were killed at a gun range in February 2013 where they had taken a veteran they were helping who was suffering from PTSD. It seems to be the ultimate irony that Kyle ended up being killed by one of his military brothers with one of his own weapons.

The movie was being filmed when this happened, and a decision was made to include it as the ending to the movie.

Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction. And sadder.

Note: So what was my pick for Best Picture? I felt that Birdman would win and it did. Why? Because it’s a story about actors and the award is for acting. They were rewarding their own angst. This doesn’t take away from the movie which I thought was really good, and I really love Michael Keaton in general and in this role. I would have been happy if Boyhood (seamless transitions considering the length of time over which this movie was shot), The Imitation Game (Benedict Cumberbatch, what more can I say?), The Theory of Everything (Eddie Redmayne totally killed it and deserved Best Actor), or Selma (should be a must see for high school history classes) would have won. The Grand Budapest Hotel was artsy and quirky, and I love that. Whiplash was really intense, and I am so happy that J.K. Simmons won for Best Supporting Actor.

Posted in Travel & Entertainment | Leave a comment

Readin’ – My Love Affair With Books

I’ve been an avid reader for almost my entire life. My love of reading originated when my 3rd grade teacher read the book, Charlotte’s Web, to us. A little at a time. At the end of each day if we completed all of our work and were well-behaved. I was captivated not only by the story, but by the story-teller. She made it come alive for us.


As I grew older, I spent my hard-earned money buying books. Rather than candy and Hostess Twinkies and Ding Dongs from the local 7-11. (Well, I may have had a few of those, too.) Trixie Belden and Nancy Drew. They helped me to survive my rapidly deteriorating family life. I could escape the screaming and yelling and cursing and physical violence by becoming immersed in their stories of adventure and familial support and happiness.

Nancy Drew

I loved to check out the books in the bookmobile that came to our school. I read every biography of every famous woman that they stocked – Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Catherine the Great. My early heroes.

SLC Bookmobile

As I grew older, I read everything that I could get my hands on. The woman across the street was also a reader – mostly Reader’s Digest condensed books and romance novels. She invited me to borrow and read her books. I read everything on her bookcase. I’m not sure some of them were really appropriate for my age, but no one ever bothered to check on me so long as I was tucked away in a corner somewhere reading. The squeaky wheel gets the attention, and I was no squeaky wheel.

As I grew older, school became my escape. I loved school and learning and even reading textbooks. I was probably one of the few kids to actually read the books assigned in English classes. I even read the novels that my kids were assigned from their AP reading lists in high school. Many of them were already on our bookshelf anyway. I have an appreciation for the classics and have read and re-read many of them. The classics take on new and different meanings with life experiences, and I recommend that you try re-reading something you read when you were younger.

I also read the few books that my father brought home including In Cold Blood. I was very young when I took it from his bookshelf. I realized that this book might get taken away from me so I read it secretly. I don’t know what this says about me that I hid books to read rather than other, more normal, kid things. I also read The Exorcist and Helter Skelter. I loved Agatha Christie and John le Carré. These were my early forays into crime and spy novels which I enjoy to this day as my guilty pleasure or beach reads. The darker the better.

I eventually became addicted to science fiction and fantasy which I read avidly through high school and college. Adams, Asimov, Bradbury, Clark, Heinlein, Herbert, Huxley, Tolkien. My forays into women authors in this genre (Atwood, Butler, Le Guin) and more recent works (Gaiman) would come later.


After college, I moved away from reading fiction and concentrated on self-help books. Books on babies, parenting, and marriage became my resources to try to avoid making the mistakes of my parents and to build a happy and healthy family. And, after having four children including a set of twins and adding my niece as our 5th child, I spent most of my time outside of working, running a household, and raising kids – sleeping. Not much time to read for pleasure.

baby and child care

I read a lot of children’s books during this time, and I loved reading Harry Potter and other series with my kids as they, too, developed a love of reading.

I spent four years attending the Biblical Studies program at The University of Dallas. We studied the entire Bible, and I learned a lot about my Catholic faith through this course and through teaching religion classes. I have an entire bookcase of really good books about the Bible and religion from this time in my life.

I gradually returned to reading for pleasure – fiction and non-fiction. I will read just about anything except the bodice rippers and horror. I lean toward dark novels and particularly enjoy dystopian and apocalyptic literature. Neat, clean, and tidy endings aren’t for me.

One of the things that I do, when I find an author that I like, is to read their entire body of work from start to finish. It’s fascinating to see the development of an author in this way. I did this with several authors I mentioned already and others like John Irving and John Grisham (until I got tired of them) and Jerzy Kosiński (one of my early dark authors). One of my top 10 books of all time is Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, and I have gone back to his earlier works to fill in the gaps with those books of his that I haven’t read. He actually used punctuation early on.

The Road

It adds much to the reading of a book to understand the background and time period in which an author lived. We are all products of our experiences, and this applies to authors, too. Artists of all types – authors, artists, actors, poets – provide us with a unique perspective on our world. They become timeless when they transcend the era in which they produced their body of work.

I also make sure that I read books by women authors and authors from other cultures. I appreciate the expansion of high school AP reading lists from primarily white, male European and American authors to include women authors and novels from other parts of the world. The perspective gained by expanding your reading list in this way is invaluable.

During the 18 months I spent traveling back and forth to Minnesota to help my sister as my brother-in-law battled cancer, I read the books on their bookshelves and e-readers. Lots and lots of books – sometimes a book a day. My brother-in-law expanded my reading list to books and authors that I would never have picked up on my own. I recently finished Saint Odd by Dean Koontz, a series which he got me started on, but which he was not able to finish.

In 2014, as I dealt with family issues through therapy, I returned to reading in a big way. Rather than a book a month or so, I made a goal to read 50 books in 2014 and ended up reading 80. I filled in the gaps with a lot of books and authors from the period when I was concentrating on raising children rather than reading for pleasure. I caught up on many popular books and authors that I hadn’t read, but were recommended to me by my friends who read a lot. I re-read a lot of books that I enjoyed when I was much younger.

All the light we cannot see

I also read a lot of WWII books, fiction and non-fiction, in 2014, and All The Light We Cannot See is at the top of this list. I joined a Book Club in November and purchased this book to share at the book exchange in December. Five others in the book club also chose this same book to share so I expect to see it on our list in 2015.

If it’s been awhile since you’ve read a good book, try it. Our local library is on-line. I can add a book to my reserve list, order it (even in advance of publication), and drop off and pick up through the drive up window. They even allow me to renew on-line and send me email notices if I happen to have a book due soon.

Reading has always been a big part of my life. It is not only an escape from the harsh realities of life, but a source of enjoyment. Reading allows one to expand outlooks, learn empathy, and become more educated. Becoming an empty nester is allowing me the time to carve out a little of each day to read. It’s more than a hobby for me.

If you want to see what I’m reading or follow my book recommendations, feel free to friend me on Goodreads. My user name is tdepaepe.

Posted in Bucket List | 2 Comments

2014 – The Year I Took a Sabbatical

Like most people, at the end of each year I think about resolutions or goals for the next year. As I entered the last quarter of 2013, I made a decision to reach out to a family member with whom I had a difficult relationship. A relationship that had been rocky since I was an adolescent. My goal was to start 2014 repairing that relationship so that we could move forward in the last years of our lives. I wanted a more traditional relationship with this person that would also extend to my children.

I had spent the previous few years dealing with end of life issues. My father died in 2008 after two tumultuous years of decline. After that, I helped my sister and brother-in-law with his parents – their aging, decline, and subsequent deaths. Then this same brother-in-law learned he had cancer. I spent the next 18 months helping him and my sister until he also passed away in July 2013. I saw many of my friends dealing with aging parents and their anguish over that, but I also saw many of them having some really great relationships with their older parents, too.

Day with Diane 07_15_2014 (2)

David, my brother-in-law, and I spent many hours talking about life and love and family. He had a difficult relationship with his only sibling, a brother, and, sometimes, with his folks. In spite of that, they had always remained connected. We talked about my extended family and the impact the acrimonious divorce between my parents had on us that resulted in a lifetime of cutting off behavior. Behavior which followed a pattern that existed, historically, with my aunts and uncles and among their children, too. It’s interesting how some families stay connected no matter what and others cut off from each other over the most trivial things. Research bears out that these patterns tend to exist in families.

After my brother-in-law died, I spent a lot of time taking a 360° look at my life. I looked back. I looked at the present. And I looked forward. When I closed my eyes, I pictured myself standing in a field on a sunny summer day with wildflowers up to my knees as I turned around and around with my arms outstretched and eyes looking up into the sky. The realization that life can be so fleeting and short made me decide to do two things in 2014.

#1 Repair the relationship with my family member.

#2 Take a year off. A year off from doing most things other than the basics. A gap year. A sabbatical year.

I started working on #1 by sending a letter to my family member in December 2013. I knew it was a difficult letter. I asked difficult questions. I made difficult observations. But they were my questions and observations. I felt that my emotions and desires came through. I did not call names. I did not make accusations. I stated what I felt were facts. Facts that I wanted changed for what I felt were all the right reasons. It was heartfelt, and I thought it was obvious I was hurting.

I was wrong. I was wrong about how it would be interpreted. I was wrong about how it would be accepted.

I learned a few months later, via email, that the letter, the private letter between me and this person, had been scanned and disseminated among a select group of family members where I was vilified. Where my feelings were dismissed and misconstrued.

I made a mistake by responding to the question posed in the email, the email about the letter that had been inappropriately shared.

I didn’t respond in anger, but I did share some of the most egregious actions that impacted me and my relationship with my family member. These things were not pretty. They were pretty awful in fact. But they asked, and I shared. I shared with only those few people who were included on the email. People who were there and had knowledge of these events. I was hoping that by sharing these things that there would be a greater understanding of how I felt hurt, and how I wanted to mend.

I was wrong. I was wrong to respond to the email. I was wrong about how it would be accepted and interpreted.

My response was then shared without my knowledge or consent with a broader group of family members including many nieces and nephews. Nieces and nephews who had no knowledge of what had happened all those years ago. Nieces and nephews who were now traumatized to learn of the actions of this family member. This family member with whom they had a good relationship.

One of my nephews, “speaking on behalf of the family” told me in no uncertain terms that I was no longer going to be considered to “exist” as a family member and that I should “drop dead.”

So, the cutting off behavior was going to be continued to a new generation of family members. Our children.

It wasn’t over yet. My family member, perhaps emboldened by the support of all of the others, decided it was their turn to weigh in with me.

I received a letter. A letter so filled with vitriol and hate that it made my head spin. I was accused of being the one and only reason there were problems in the family. I started this 45 years ago. When I was 12 years old. I was living in the past, and I had a significant mental health issue for which I needed help and medication. My husband and children were “saints” to have put up with me for all these years. I was just like my father. The worst insult one in my family can receive. I was not worthy of having a relationship with, and I was effectively cut off from the family. I was “garbage.”

Was I really this horrible person?

Rose Kennedy quote

So #1 expanded to include a trip to therapy. A trip that I should have taken years ago. A trip that allowed me to finally let go of my past and my goal to create a family where none really existed. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear is the saying that comes to mind for me now.

Therapy helped me to understand what I already knew intuitively. That some things are just not repairable. That some things will just never be fixed. That it is okay to let go of significant family members in spite of what the pundits and memes all expound.

I also learned that I do not have a significant mental health issue, and I do not need medicine.

Hurray for me!

But, seriously, I knew this already. And so did those who truly know and care about me. My husband, my children, my two closest sisters, my really good friends. These are people who have spent much more time with me over the years than many of my own family members. These are people who have been in my life for decades. They all knew I was okay, too, but they all encouraged me to seek validation from a professional.

I would encourage anyone who has considered therapy but not taken the step to do so. I was lucky to find someone with whom I connected, and I walked away a much happier person.

It did take me all of  2014 to process my pain and grief, though, and I’m glad my immediate family, my new and improved smaller extended family, hung in there with me because I went through some pretty shitty emotions in 2014.

Rejection is never easy especially when it comes from someone who is supposed to be there for you, to love you unconditionally, and to help you if you are in need.

So, my family circle got significantly smaller in 2014. Apparently, there is now a “good” side of the family and a “bad” side of the family. Guess which side I’m on.

Being bad never felt so good. I am still sad. But I feel free. And that is empowering.

The consequence of my initial letter is that there is a more permanent rift in my family which is the opposite of everything I have worked toward for over 40 years. A rift that had existed for a long time, but had been simmering below the surface.

I’m sad that this happened. In fact sadness is not a strong enough word. The word that describes my feelings about this is sorrow. Deep, deep sorrow.

Is the rift permanent? I don’t know. Probably. While I have learned to never say never, I have no great expectation that this will ever change. And I’m okay with that.


So the other unintended consequence of #1 is that I really needed my sabbatical year which was goal #2 for 2014.

I took a year off from just about everything. Yes, I still took care of my home and my family. I kept up with the basics. I just didn’t take on anything extra. I spent a lot of time in introspection and self-reflection. I felt that I was at a crossroads in my life. In my life as a wife and mother and daughter and sister and friend.

I allowed myself a year to go over my past, look at my present, and prepare for the future. And, yes, I know that I am exceedingly blessed to have a loving, supportive husband who allowed me this time along with two sisters and many precious friends who have always been so kind and understanding during the ups and downs of my life (and now my sabbatical year).

I took a year off from volunteering. That was hard since I’ve been an active volunteer for all of my adult life.

I took up reading for pleasure again and escaped by reading 80 books in 2014.

I spent a lot of time writing. Writing stuff I will never post or share. Writing stories. Writing about my life, but also writing fictional stories about people in my imagination.

I worked on my garden and yard and other projects around my new old home. Doing work with my hands, physical work, is a way for me to relieve stress and feel a sense of accomplishment. I learned new things that I never thought about doing like upholstering chair seats and other DIY stuff. My sister and I do a lot of antiquing.

I went through the grief process with my sisters as we processed the death of my brother-in-law, but also the loss of a large part of our extended family. Us baddies have to stick together.

David 65 Birthday clouds bringing relief from the heat 07062012

In 2015 I will step back into volunteering. I’m signed up for the citizen’s police academy in the city in which I live. I asked to be considered to be a third-party reviewer for family support team meetings for kids in foster care. I will continue to read and even joined a book club. I am committed to writing something every single day. I will continue to work on learning new things – I have quite an extensive DIY list for my home, my yard and garden, and our little cottage at the lake. Our two youngest children will graduate from college this year, and we will transition to being full-fledged empty nesters.

And I will continue to work on my new-found happiness centered around those people who truly take the time to know and love me. I will no longer waste time and energy on those who are not interested in having a healthy relationship with me. Life is just too damn short.

My husband and I have a key word for 2015. Understanding. He will need it as he now deals with the issues of aging with someone who is very important in his life.

I hope that I will be able to give him back some of what he gave to me in 2014.

Posted in Faith & Family | 4 Comments

Bedroom #2 Makeover at the Quirky Old Home

I finally finished the last room I had left to paint and decorate upstairs in our quirky old home.

This room belongs to my daughter who spent a semester studying abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I wanted to do something to personalize her space and make it special.

Jacci's Room (7)

So I surprised her by stenciling this quote onto her wall above her bed. I don’t know Spanish well enough to come up with something on my own, so her bi-lingual friend who she met in Argentina suggested this.

Jacci's Room (5) cropped

Basically, it means wherever you travel becomes a part of you. (At least I hope that’s what it means!) Since this trip was a life changing event in my daughter’s life, I thought it was appropriate.

Jacci's Room (10)

I replaced her furniture with various antiques and other older furniture including this dresser which is identical to the one in her twin sister’s room with a slightly different finish and mirror.

Jacci's Room (8)

This little secretary looks cute in the corner along with a refinished dining room chair.

Jacci's Room (9)

This was the hardest room I have ever painted. There are two dormers, multiple doorways and closets as well as extra trim. I had to paint both the ceiling and the trim so the entire painting part of the project took me about 7 days to complete. DSH removed the paint from the hinges and latch on the dormer closet and cleaned the wood floor.

Jacci's Room (15)

The paint color is a heritage color called Mackinac blue, but is really more green than blue. The former color was that 80s era pinkish mauve color.

We also checked and replaced all of the electrical outlets and switches. Our home has a mix of aluminum and copper wiring and not all of the fixtures that include aluminum have the correct outlets installed. One of the outlets that was wired incorrectly had actually melted inside the metal box. Scary. Changing these all out to white really made a big aesthetic difference, too.

I can’t help but go up to this room and just stare at it. The overall transformation is just amazing.

The first dormer holds a quilt rack along with quilts made by my mother-in-law which I am so happy to be able to finally display.

The second dormer includes a bookcase as well as my daughter’s pictures, bean bag chair, and special stuffed animals from high school.

Jacci's Room (11)

I purchased the same toile bedspread (along with curtains) that I used in her twin sister’s bedroom only in red rather than gray / black. Then I found this repainted table in the same red as the trim.

Jacci's Room (14)

Here is a shot of the bed and window with matching curtains as well as an old picture my sister had of “three little girls” and the second chair. I added a modern, white shag rug to the floor so the effect is one of old and new.

I am so glad I finally got this room done. And my daughter loves her new room, too, even if it’s “a little too floral” for her taste. Bonus – She even gave me a big hug and thanked me for doing this for her even though she will probably be moving into her own space after graduation next May.

And double bonus! When I went upstairs after the girls left to go back to school after Thanksgiving break, I found that both rooms were cleaned and the beds were even made!

We will eventually work on the two storage closets on this floor, but I am going to concentrate on the main floor and the game room attached to the garage next.

Stay tuned!

Posted in Food & Home | 5 Comments

A Visit to Ferguson, MO

The Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend, some friends and I decided to visit Ferguson, Missouri, which, unless you have been living in a cave recently, has seen more than its share of attention, mostly negative, since the Michael Brown shooting last August 9.  My friends and I wanted to support the community and its businesses by visiting and spending time and money there.

I was born in northern Illinois, but have lived most of my life in the St. Louis area (other than a few adult years in Chicago, Boston, and Dallas). My husband and I raised our five daughters here, and we believe that it is a great place to raise a family.

The St. Louis Metropolitan Statistical Area (MSA) is made up of East St. Louis and 4 counties in Illinois as well as the city of St. Louis and 6 counties, including St. Louis County, in Missouri.

Those of us who live here identify three distinct areas in St. Louis County – North County, South County, and West County. The city of St. Louis is not considered part of St. Louis County and is usually referred to separately.

I grew up in West County, but currently live “across the river” in the city of St. Charles. Ferguson, Missouri, is a little less than 15 miles from my home and is located in North St. Louis County and is made up mostly of middle class working families.

Ferguson_TCD_11_2014 (3)

Ferguson Brewing Company in Ferguson, Missouri, the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Lunch with some of my twin mom friends. Between us, we have 17 children ranging in age from 3 to 31 years.

I have a lot of friends who live in Ferguson or who have lived in Ferguson or the North County area. One of my twins, who is in college, has a sorority sister / roommate who is a life-long resident of Ferguson.

Our entire community is hurting as the images of the Michael Brown death and subsequent protests and riots have brought a lot of (mostly negative) attention to our region. Watching the news, you would think that the entire community has gone down in flames, and that the civil unrest is widespread and all-inclusive. I have other friends who won’t even consider driving to North County due to the media coverage and the fear it has generated. They fear for their lives even though not a single life has been lost as a result of the protests. As I posted on Facebook the day I visited. “Not scary. Not scared.”

The friends and people I know who have connections to Ferguson and North County are proud to live there and are understandably upset by the negative portrayal of their hometown. Many of us who live in the surrounding areas are also upset.


Photo courtesy of Parisa Faramarzi. Painting colorful murals of hope on the boarded up buildings in Ferguson, Missouri, over Thanksgiving.

My daughter’s roommate currently lives in Ferguson with her sister and her mother. Her father, who passed away a few years ago, and mother were dedicated to the city of Ferguson and built a successful business there. She loves Ferguson. They never once considered leaving Ferguson or their home even during the height of the rioting which they could hear from their home close to one of the two areas of the city targeted by the rioting, looting, and peaceful protests.

At lunch, one of the women who owns a home in Ferguson and whose children go to school in the district talked about all of the businesses and people who are dedicated to the community. She named names and businesses. She knew my daughter’s roommate’s family. This is a tight-knit community.

Five of the other women have also either lived in Ferguson or in a community close by. They all have worked in Ferguson or nearby. They talked about the good things that happen in the community and area.

After lunch, I toured the city of Ferguson and parts of Dellwood with my friend, Kim. She works throughout the region and has had several jobs in Ferguson, one as recently as last September. She owned her first home in Ferguson. She grew up in North County.

Kim drove me through the two commercial areas that have been hit hard by the violent actions and which have dominated the news. There have been about a dozen buildings in Ferguson and the adjacent community of Dellwood that have burned down. A few more have suffered some incidental damage. Many buildings house businesses that remain open, but have their windows boarded up.

Trust me. They look bad. Very bad.

Those that took advantage of the volatile situation and looted and rioted did not help the community or the situation. Almost every business in Ferguson has taken a financial hit because of this situation.

That, however, is not the entire story.


I  Ferguson signs dotted the community before Michael Brown’s death. Driving through the commercial and residential areas, these signs are in abundance.

Ferguson is and has been a racially and ethnically diverse community of mostly middle class families. It is a community full of pride. It has an award-winning Farmers Market. The city has been around since the 1850s and has a long history. The library, which is on the stretch of road that includes some burned out buildings, remained open during the unrest and served the community’s children when the schools were closed. The community is served by four school districts and includes three private schools, and a branch of the county community college. The University of Missouri – St. Louis is adjacent to Ferguson. One major business, Emerson Electric, is located in Ferguson and several other major business are also located nearby including Boeing and Express Scripts.

In other words, this is a strong community made up of real people who care about it and each other. People who live and work together.

The restaurant, where we ate, was full. Full of families and friends. Full of people of various ages, colors, and ethnic groups. It was closed for one day, but has done a booming business since then feeding both law enforcement personnel, protesters, residents, and visitors.

There are businesses boarded up next to businesses that are not boarded up. There are businesses that have been damaged next to businesses that have been untouched. Some of the damage seems totally random.

Next, we drove through many residential areas. We drove by Kim’s first home, and, as we drove I was struck by a few things. First of all, not a single home in any neighborhood that we drove through had any damage from any rioting or looting. Many of these residential areas and homes are directly behind the commercial buildings that were damaged. People in the neighborhoods were out raking leaves and putting up holiday decorations. They were going about business as usualI  Ferguson signs were everywhere. If you drive through a residential area in Ferguson, you would not know what has been happening there.

There are many businesses, adjacent to damaged ones, that were untouched. The Target parking lot, which continued to house media vans on Thanksgiving weekend, was untouched and not boarded up. If you were in that parking lot, you wouldn’t realize that one of the damaged businesses was less than a block away.

We drove down the street and by the spot where Michael Brown was shot and lay for over four hours on that August afternoon. It is a narrow residential street. There are homes along the street up to the front of the apartment complex where he was shot. None of these homes or apartment buildings were damaged in any way. The buildings are about 40 feet from where he lay. That is not far. Look out the front window of your home to the middle of your street and imagine seeing a person laying there for four hours bleeding onto the pavement.

This struck me because the aerial video led me to believe that Michael Brown was walking down a major thoroughfare and was blocking traffic. The aerial video also blurs the image of the body of Michael Brown which the residents, including children, saw as he lay most of the time uncovered and unblocked from view. No wonder people were upset.

In fairness, this residential street is a major street into several neighborhoods. It is not a thoroughfare to any businesses unless you are leaving the neighborhood. Should Michael Brown have been walking down the middle of the street? No. But how many times have I driven into a neighborhood and had to wait for kids to move out of the way because they are playing street hockey or ball or just taking up space? How many times do I drive down a driving lane in a shopping center and have to wait for people, who are walking down the center of the aisle like it is a sidewalk, to move to the side so I can pass?

In my humble opinion, the aerial footage and reporting just have not depicted this scene accurately.

Ferguson_ME_11_2014 (3)

Photo courtesy of Michelle Evans Photography, November 30, 2014. The holiday sign in the old town area of Ferguson, Missouri.

My first marriage was to a police officer. In 1977 he was directing traffic at the Hussmann Refrigeration plant during a worker strike. In an act of anger, one of the union workers struck him with his car. He was not badly hurt, and I worried about the police officers every day, many of whom I knew personally. I also sympathized with the union workers who had gone without a contract for many months.

I believe that there is enough room for empathy, sympathy, and understanding for all sides. Law enforcement has a tough job. Law enforcement is not all bad. Rioters and looters are not the same as peaceful protesters. Most of the actions in the community and around the country in light of other, similar cases, have been peaceful. But even peaceful protests have been criticized by people who do not want to try and understand the cause or even hear about it.

There is a huge middle ground here, and we, as a community and a country, need to try to find that middle ground to make a better place for everyone to live. I am disappointed in so many people who are choosing to take a polarized position on the situation in Ferguson (and other similar situations that have come to light since) which, ultimately is a reflection on the issue of race in America. That seems to be the way of the world these days. Pick a side. Have polarized opinions. Make hateful comments about those whose opinions differ from yours.

I had a conversation this past weekend with a young man who is in the military. He said that while he doesn’t necessarily understand or support the cause of the people who are protesting, he absolutely supports their right to peacefully protest.

My sister had a conversation with a friend of hers who lives in Wisconsin. Apparently, the pastor of her church had a sermon about Ferguson which alluded to the community being destroyed and how wrong it all was. I was glad that I was able to share my experiences with my sister who could then share them with her friend to let her know that what they are seeing and believing is not the entire story.

I’m glad that I made the effort to visit Ferguson to learn more about what is happening there. What I learned is that there’s almost always more to the story, and the truth almost always lies in the middle. I, for one, am going to make more of an effort to seek additional information and truth before passing rash judgments especially on the volatile issues of the day. My hope is that others will do the same.

Note: I have disabled the Comments section for this post. I am not interested in opening up yet another discussion resulting in polarizing comments and accusations. I believe that there is a middle ground. I believe we can support our police and law enforcement, and at the same time try to understand how we can improve race relations not just in our area, but in our entire country.

Posted in Home | Leave a comment