Mama's Empty Nest

Besides my family, here are a few of my favorite things.

Farmers’ Markets.

I love going to the St. Paul Farmers’ Market when I am visiting my sister in Minnesota.  A visit early in the season will allow you to purchase bedding plants – vegetables, herbs, and flowers.  You can always get locally grown, organic meats and other homemade and artisanal products like honey, jams & jellies, homemade soaps, chocolates, dips and spreads, and even some ready to eat items.  As the season progresses, you see the gamut of seasonal fruits and vegetables grown throughout the state.

I love going to the Saturday Market when I am visiting my sister in Eugene, Oregon.  The Saturday Market includes not only a farmers’ market section, but an extensive section of “shops” with other handmade and handcrafted items including the widest selection of tie dyed items available anywhere.  The hippy culture is alive and well at the Saturday Market, which claims to be the oldest, continuously running market in the country.

When we lived in Coppell, Texas, we went to the local Farmers’ Market every weekend during the season.  This is where our three youngest children learned about seasonal foods and how good really fresh produce, meats, cheeses, and other homemade things could be.

We bought artisanal cheeses and breads every week from one of the local farms.  They invited us for a personal tour of their farm (unfortunately, we never were able to make the trip).  We bought a jar of jam every week from the jam lady.  We would return the empty jars to her, too.  On our last Saturday before we moved, she thanked us for being loyal customers and gave us several jars to take with us to our new home back in our home town.  These things don’t happen at your local grocery stores.

Museums.

I loved visiting The National Gallery in London, England.  It houses over 2,300 works of art from the 14th century through 1900.  And the admission is FREE.

I went to The National Gallery because I wanted to see this picture of Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers painted in 1888.  And I was not disappointed.

But, as I spent time over two days exploring the halls of The National Gallery, I was blown away by the erotic and often gruesome and grisly paintings from the 14th, 15th, and 16th centuries.  Much of that work was religious in nature.  It brought to life how many of the stories in the Bible are so intensely human and, really, how little has changed over the centuries.  The media may have changed, but man’s inhumanity to man as portrayed in art seems to remain constant.

It also made me wonder what kind of criticism and potential censorship these artists, who are considered great masters, would endure even today.  When an Attorney General of the United States spent over $8,000 to cover the partially nude statues in the Great Hall of the Department of Justice because he was embarrassed to be photographed in front of them, it doesn’t take one too much imagination to realize that several hundred years later, we continue to be challenged by art and artists (read about it here).

When I lived in Chicago in the early 1980s, I used to take the train from my little apartment in the suburbs into the city just to visit The Art Institute.  I was entranced by their collection of Impressionistic and Post-Impressionistic works.  Of course, I was very impressionable when I was in my early 20s (pun intended).

I also love outdoor museums.  The Missouri Botanical Garden and The Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum are two of my favorite “outdoor” museums.  For my friends in the St. Louis, Missouri, area, a visit to The Missouri Botanical Garden should include a visit to see the Dale Chihuly glass sculptures which are modernistic and exquisite.  His work can be seen all over the world and graces the ceiling of The Bellagio in Las Vegas.

Adventure.

One of the benefits of traveling outside of one’s home, is the chance to see characters you wouldn’t normally see.  Trafalgar Square in London is a vibrant, bustling area filled with historic significance, wonderful places to visit, eat, and shop.  But it’s also brimming with characters.  Many actors and mimes work just outside The National Gallery in London, in Trafalgar Square including Batman, Wonder Woman, Jack Sparrow, and a fascinating mime who managed to move into different positions without notice all while hundreds of people were milling about.

There are a lot of things on my bucket list.  Things to do.  Places to go.  I’m afraid that I will not live long enough to accomplish everything that is on that list, but one of the things that I did manage to do was to zip line through the rain forest.  I did this in spite of my irrational fear of heights.  This adventure included 11 zips at increasingly higher and longer lines.

After that I even hiked on aerial bridges high in the canopy of the rain forest.  Frightening for me, but I was resolved to do it.  It was extra fun having this adventure with DSH and our two youngest children.

I wanted our children to have this sense of adventure, too.  On June 1, 1998, we embarked on a month-long, cross-country trip from the Midwest to the Pacific Northwest.  We visited many state and national parks and monuments and other quirky tourist destinations along the way.  We traveled 7,013 miles over one month (read about it here), and it is still mentioned as one of their fondest and lasting memories from childhood.

The adventure bug has hit one of my kids.  Hard.  She is currently spending a semester studying abroad in Argentina and is taking the opportunity seriously and traveling around the country as much as possible – all within her college-kid budget.

My bucket list is full of the places that I have longed to visit, but put off while having children and raising our family.

We are working on completing the downsizing moves this summer and our two youngest children are now halfway done with college, so I’m making plans for checking items off the list!

Stay tuned!

We had our first guests at The Little Cottage by the Lake.  My sister and her three little dogs, my mother-in-law, and one of the college kids spent the weekend with us for Mother’s Day which happened to be DSH’s birthday weekend, too.

My brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and nephew, who live nearby, came for dinner on Saturday night.

I think everyone had a good time.  The cottage is not fancy.  There is no washer and dryer.  There is no dishwasher.  We had to unclog a commode.  But we enjoyed a good meal together along with great conversation.

The reward was spending time by the water, enjoying each other’s company without the distractions of television and life, all while watching the wild life and the occasional fishing boat trolling along with hardy fishermen bundled up against the cold while casting lines in and out of the water over and over again.

Over the past few visits, I have enjoyed the peacefulness of the water, the sounds and sights of the birds, and the white blossoms of the dogwoods amid the canopy of larger trees.  It’s so calming.

There have been numerous bluebirds singing and flitting about.  They like to sit on the electric line that runs from the house to the dock.

We had a group of turkey vultures hanging out in the cove.  This was one of a group of three that must have been scoping out their next meal.

We found the skeleton of a large catfish on the shore.  I imagine it was picked clean by them.

I hope to photograph the numerous turtles that like to sun themselves along the shore in the shallow end of the cove.  Every time I manage to get close to them, they plop, plop, plop into the water before I can snap a picture.

We enjoy watching the Great Blue Herons flying about.   This one was walking along the shore nearby.

And, of course, we have duck families.  This beautifully colored papa duck sat on our dock for a very long time while mama duck was swimming nearby.

Over the next few visits, we expect to see the baby ducks swimming alongside mama.  The number of babies will decline as predators do their thing in the cycle of life, but a few of them may make it to adulthood, and it will be fun watching their progress.

In a few weeks, there will be a different kind of wild life at the lake as the summer season kicks into high gear.  There will be more people.  We’ll see and hear bigger and louder boats.  The dynamic will change, but we will still enjoy the Little Cottage by the Lake – just in a different way.

Mother’s Day.

I sort of dread it every year.

While I believe in celebrating holidays, I don’t really like the commercialization of most of them.

For me, it’s not about “He went to Jarrod!”  (Like jewelry purchased from any other place is less than meaningful.)  It’s about time spent together in a meaningful way.

DSH hates the little blue pill commercials where the guy is off sailing by himself, or spending time alone on a motorcycle, or driving alone in a sports car.  What is the point of the little blue pill if you aren’t spending time with a loved one?

I hate the drug commercial where the mother is shopping with her daughter for a wedding dress.  The mother has to use the bathroom and the daughter is utterly disappointed.  The mother feels guilty.  Because she has to use the restroom.  The final insult is the daughter shares her personal moment with the sales lady.  Who apparently never has to go to the bathroom.

What kind of child would show so much disappointment, rather than concern, for her mother’s need to use the restroom?

I actually sent an email to this drug company complaining about that commercial.  It completely disparages the mother and child relationship over an issue for which everyone should be concerned and empathetic about.  Mothers get enough blame and have enough guilt without marketing idiots adding to it.

I was married once before I was married to DSH.  It was a short marriage, and I was very young.  I used to receive flowers from him.  Getting flowers is nice, but not as a substitute for not being present in your loved one’s life.  I received a lot of flowers from him, because he was never there for me, physically or emotionally.  The flowers were supposed to compensate for his lack of ability to be there.  After I shared this story with DSH, he never gave me flowers again.

Did I say I did not like getting flowers?  No.  I just do not want flowers, or any gift, to be a substitute for being present and engaged in a relationship.

So, this weekend is Mother’s Day and DSH’s birthday.  We will be going to our Little Cottage by the Lake along with my sister, her three little dogs, my mother-in-law, and one of the college kids.  We hope to have nice dinners with them and some other relatives that live near there to celebrate both events.  I am looking forward to this and know we will have a great time.

Apparently, I am not the only one who feels this way.

But, when DSH asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, my response was “Time with you with no distractions.”  When pressed, I responded, “I just want some undivided attention and time.”

Yeah, kind of like what the kids needed (and got) when they were growing up, and we promised each other we would do for each other once they were grown.

For me, it’s not about the things.  I love anything my family does for me, but what I would love more than anything is some time and attention.  Without computers and phones.  Without having to cook and clean.

No one has ever been able to accuse me of being subtle.  I think I have been pretty direct.  I haven’t beaten around the bush or dropped a series of hints.  I have expressed myself explicitly and directly.

DSH said, “OK.  It just might not be on Mother’s Day.”

I’m thinking maybe we could plan it for Father’s Day.

Postscript – I hope that all of the mothers out there have a wonderful day spending time with the people they love or doing whatever they want to do.  Happy Mother’s Day!

We did it.  We sold our home.  We’ve moved out and a new, younger family has moved in.

Like a lot of families, we’ve moved around a bit.  This means that our children have no particular attachment to the physical space of our family home.  I know of some families that have never moved and really go through a lot of anxious moments when it comes time to sell the family home.

When we told our kids we were planning on downsizing, the two college-aged kids we have left were more concerned about losing their bedrooms than the house.

That doesn’t mean we didn’t make a lot of memories in this house.  We have always had wonderful times at the holidays.

And homecomings, proms, and other events have filled our home with fun and laughter and love.

Our older children, who never lived in this home, contributed to our memories in this space.

But, it was time to move on.  My goal is to find a space to age in place.  Smaller house.  Fewer bathrooms (I hate cleaning bathrooms).  Smaller yard.  Lower expenses.

I say it is my goal because DSH is taking some time getting to the same place as me with regard to this decision.

He loves yard work.  So we will buy a new home and not a villa or a condo.  (Probably.  I have learned to never say never.)  But, I really want less time spent on yard work and more time spent on checking items off our bucket  lists.

We have moved all of our belongings into storage, and we are living with my sister in her small condo.  A good lesson in downsizing.

Good bye house.

Hello new life.